The Longing to Belong
What is belonging? This question has tumbled through my mental plains for many years now. Coming from a family of artistic, independent souls I find that I have always sought a sense of belonging to some group. In younger years it can feel easier to find a sense of belonging; we are held in our places of worship, schools and extracurricular activities throughout youth. Around middle school or high school this concept begins to break down as we discover our unique identities and try to grapple with where we fit into the social sphere.
Belonging is an ephemeral concept that can be hard to know once it is acquired. Many people find belonging through family, spiritual communities or their intimate friend circles. Belonging to a group can be complex and often we may sacrifice parts of our individuality in order to be a part of a group. What would it look like to find a sense of belonging that includes the whole of you? Sometimes we are a part of a group, be it a parent association, book club or game night; yet there is still a sense of never being fully ‘in’. Where does this lack of a sense of belonging come from? There are many answers to this question. Feeling a sense that we do not belong can come from experiences in childhood of being left out, not having a stable family system, or being bullied. Another possibility of lacking belonging could be that the people in our lives do not represent the values or interests that we hold for ourselves, so we are always left with a sense of loneliness. This sense of loneliness may come from not feeling seen or understood in our approach to life.
I am going to approach a lack of belonging first from the lens of childhood experiences or trauma. Certain experiences we have when we are young can then be internalized and interpreted to mean something about who we are. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy we call these beliefs core beliefs and they often show up as statements such as “I am not good enough” or “I am unlovable”. In the case of lacking belonging a core belief such as “I am unlovable” or “I will be rejected” may turn up if we are to dig for the underlying source of our pain. If one experiences trauma and it is denied or rejected by ones community (or family), that individual will often interpret the experience as one that is shameful. In other chaotic family systems, it may feel that the original source of belonging, the family, is not a stable source of love and support. Even later in life when we are no longer in the painful scenario or family dynamic, the deeper core belief about who we are continues to operate through many of our life experiences. We use the core belief as a lens to view current experiences as if they are in the past, a kind of sad time travel.
In situations where we do not feel a sense of belonging because part of ourselves is not accepted or held, it can be helpful to consider what our common purpose or values are with the groups we belong to. For some, belonging is found through religion. There is a great reason why religion creates a sense of belonging because there is a sense of shared purpose and values. Religions unite people together through belief systems that guide their actions. What about for those who do not have a religion or spiritual beliefs? It could be helpful to find groups to be involved in or join that you share similar values or beliefs with; maybe that means joining an animal rescue group or an atheist book club. Finding groups to connect with that share a similar depth of our experience can help us to feel like more of our parts are accepted.
Parts of us can belong in different places. Maybe there is an artistic part of you that wants to go out and paint the sunset, or another part that is quirky and does roller derby. It is okay for us to allow certain aspects of ourselves to be accepted in different places. That way more varied parts of ourselves are allowed to come alive depending on the environment, since most people have a variety of facets to their personality. It can sometimes be a balancing act between committing to certain groups and allowing ourselves to freely experience different ones. When we lack commitment or prioritizing certain people or groups in our life, we may end up feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin. However, when we completely commit ourselves to any one group we may find that parts of ourselves get neglected or pushed aside.
Finally, I want to speak to the most squirrely dimension of belonging, which is belonging to yourself. Finding a sense of belonging or acceptance of ourselves and how we show up in different environments can manifest in many different ways such as social anxiety, self-criticism or even othering ourselves. Belonging to yourself when you have experienced depression, trauma or divorce as a child can be very challenging. There are many dimensions to belonging to the self. Part of self-belonging has to do with accepting all the parts of ourselves, even the flawed parts of ourselves that are easily rejected. Only when we accept even the flawed parts of ourselves can we begin to feel a stronger sense of belonging. Belonging could also come from a place of common humanity, by realizing how connected we all are by having to experience the suffering that life brings. Maybe belonging comes to you by witnessing yourself as a part of all of life; belonging to the trees and the wind. Belonging is a core human need. Humans are social creatures and we thrive in relationship. By focusing on harnessing our sense of belonging, we can find more peace and self-acceptance.
