Sadness is not a Curse
A woman stands at the edge of a river, tears flowing down her face mirroring the water’s direction; down. On the edge of what is known and unknown and in the wake of loss she stares into the abyss of her own existence. The water laps up to her feet and she is jolted back into this moment; this moment of presence; this moment of depth and experience. The tears on her face feel cold, wet. The trees around her bow to her, while the river continues to flow inevitably to its destination. The future feels like a wall in front of her and yet she will take a step forward, eventually. Yet, somehow in this moment she surrenders and feels how the tears are her body’s natural river; her body a parallel object to the trees; her heart an organ with the same beats per life as any other mammal. Even in her pain and aloneness, all of nature collaborates to hold her in her tenderness.
Life is not easy. If we try to say it is, we are avoiding some truths or are incredibly privileged to not have to deal with the harsh realities that others do. As a firm believer that we have influence over our experience by choosing to modify our personal narrative through hard work and self-reflection, I still have to contend with the hardships of life; I will age and die someday, others I love will die and I will lose relationships that matter to me throughout the course of my story. It is valuable to set goals and work towards a life that is fulfilling and meaningful to us and yet at times things out of our control will rock our boat. It is so easy to long for happiness and to long to have a life that is always filled with happiness. It is possible to be happy at times in our lives and we definitely have some control over our responses to the events of our lives, but sometimes life hits hard. When life hits hard how do you cope with the emotional response that follows?
Recently I have had a few friends go through very serious losses and it is such a difficult thing to watch those you love go through. It can leave you feeling so helpless as to how to be there for those in your life going through that loss with so little understanding of what they may need. Everyone is so different in their means of processing emotions and dealing with difficulty in life. Loss shows up in so many different ways. Loss could be that of a loved one, a partner, a pet, a job, and sometimes it is just the loss of a place. Everyone experiences loss; some experience losses that are more intense. Loss is the great equalizer. Often when others experience loss we can feel disconnected and a sense of insulation from that experience because of where we are at in our lives; however, as little as we like it, loss will happen to all of us at some point in time.
How can we deal with loss and its emotions? Sitting with difficult emotions is, well, difficult. I am currently going through a huge life-transition that is bringing up some really difficult and painful emotions. For a period of time I found that I was keeping myself busy to avoid feeling the feelings or sitting with myself. Eventually I just got so stretched and exhausted by always being on the run. I filled my life up with travel, friends, and tasks. After a few months of this, I felt like a tattered and ragged old sweatshirt; one that had avoided many loads of laundry and had accumulated the sweat of many runs. I realized that I had been vigorously avoiding being with myself and being alone.
I decided to take a day off of work to be home and just do self-care and move aimlessly. For a whole week I looked forward to this day thinking about all the creative projects I would work on and all the yoga I would do. Then Monday came. I did yoga, but I did not do anything else I had hoped for. I cleaned my house a bit, but half-way through I was hit by a tidal wave of emotion. All the emotions I was running from came crashing down on me in this space I had created for self-care. I began to cry and really couldn’t quit. As I started crying it began to rain outside mirroring the experience I was having inside. The tears felt authentic and the voice inside my head said to surrender to these emotions and let them be. I had a few thoughts of judgement or that I should try and pull myself up by my bootstraps and think positively about the situation, but overwhelmingly my intuition said to allow the sweetness of the moment just be. I felt comfort in my sadness when I did not judge or resist it. There was depth and creativity in that emotional cavern. When I brought curiosity and openness to this difficult space, it felt like a blossoming in my heart.
Sadness is negatively portrayed in our society; it is portrayed as something that signifies weakness. Our society tells us that if we consume enough things and get the white picket fence we will exist in a perpetual state of bliss. It also tells us that the ideal human is one that smiles at everything and everyone all the time. Difficult emotions are frowned upon and seen as something either to avoid or deal with on your own. Being someone who easily expresses your emotions can be seen as being crazy, weak or incompetent. There are times when it is important to hold our emotions in so that we can function well in society; however, the expectation to hide our true selves and our tenderness seems sick. A quote comes to mind, “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a sick society” by Jiddu Krishnamurti. Expressing our feelings is a normal part of human existence. The term euthymic in therapy-land is used to describe someone who is healthy and has natural fluctuations in mood (as opposed to being depressed or manic all the time). Euthymic comes from the Greek “eu” which means well and “thymos” meaning feelings and passion.
Sitting with difficult emotions often feels miserable and ‘bad’ because of the meaning we attach to those emotions. Emotions are ultimately just mental interpretation of thoughts and physical sensations. There are probably many reasons that we have negative meaning attached to experiencing our emotions, some of those are from the pressure that society puts on us to look happy and strong. Some other reasons that we may reject our emotions are because we are afraid that having negative emotions means we are a negative person or maybe we are terrified of being uncomfortable. Finally, maybe you have resistance to experiencing your emotions because of the way you were raised in your family either around toxic expressions of emotions or a lack of emotional expression. Experiencing difficult emotions is normal, but does not have to be equated with suffering. Suffering is when we want things to be other than they are. By leaning into our emotions, we can clear them more quickly and make space to also experiencing positive emotions more often as well. In order to lean into these emotions (especially grief), sometimes it can be helpful to say things to yourself like:
This emotion is totally natural and healthy for me to express.
All humans experience these emotions at some point in time. Feeling this emotion connects me with the deeper experience of my humanness.
This emotion shows how much I care and the tenderness of my spirit, which also relates to my ability to connect and have empathy.
I can love the part of myself that feels this sadness and still know that I am strong and worthy.
Utilizing these kinds of statements when experiencing grief or loss can help you to not resist and therefore even find peace in difficult emotions. By changing our self-talk when we experience negative emotions, we give them space to be something other than what we have categorized them as in the past.
When you want to redecorate a home, you do not just put more things on top of what is already there. First, everything must be taken down and a blank slate created in order to start anew. Emotions are very similar; before we can allow our lives to be filled with joy we must allow our negative emotions to wash out and through us. When I experience my emotions on their full spectrum I feel more whole, more alive and even more passionate. Being with these tender emotions and loving yourself through them can be a lot like coming home to yourself. When we come home to ourselves, the world is not an unfriendly place. When we come home to ourselves, we can accept what life has to offer without fear. When we come home to ourselves, we know that we are safe to express ourselves fully.
