Picture Perfect
“Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.”
― Salvador Dalí
You look through a magazine and stumble across an image of a beautiful time-share in Bermuda. You imagine yourself staying there once a year and how the beautiful white sands and blue-green waters will feel under your feet. You go through with the booking, the trouble of patience that a time-share requires, and the exhaustion of flying there only to realize that it is not as you expected. The kitchen needs remodeling. The floors have bugs and the beach sands are more gray than white. You are disappointed and your trip is ruined.
What is Perfectionism?
The above anecdote is an example of perfectionism. The idea of what we are reaching for becomes so idealistic that we end up missing the beauty of what is. Often when our expectations of ourselves or our life become unrealistic we can perpetuate our own unhappiness. Perfectionism is the preoccupation with doing things a certain way and being dissatisfied when we do not achieve that specific goal. Perfectionism has many causes such as societal standards as well as messages we receive as a young person. Sometimes we use perfectionism as a way to deal with deeper issues, thinking things like, “If I can just make everyone like me, maybe I will eventually like myself.” The unfortunate thing about life is that it often does not cooperate with our expectations of it. Human nature and the natural environment are unpredictable and uncertain things we must come to terms with.
How Perfectionism Leads to Procrastination
Many people think they are not perfectionists because they procrastinate, thinking “I am such a procrastinator; obviously I am not obsessed with perfectionism.” This is actually very untrue. Procrastination is one of the cardinal favorites of a perfectionist. A perfectionist procrastinates not because they do not care about the task at hand but because they are so concerned about the outcome. An example of this is that I have a paper to write for school. I want the paper to be excellent but I do not have the best idea for what to write about yet. I wait and wait until the absolute best idea comes so that I can write a paper that will get an A+. However, I wait until the night before and the best idea has not yet come to me. I still have to write the paper, so I write it in a rush at the expense of my grade and a good night’s sleep. I never began the paper because I was concerned with doing it ‘just right’, which eventually led to me doing worse than if I had an attitude of ‘better to get it done than not at all’.
Core Beliefs Underlie Perfectionism
Often perfectionism is a response to deeply held negative core beliefs about our self. Core beliefs are statements about how we see ourselves, such as ‘I am unlovable’, ‘I am not enough’ or ‘I am responsible for others’. These statements form when we are young from explicit or implicit things that were told to us from our families and peers. When we are young, we may internalize messages from our environment even if they are not spoken directly because children are ego-centric. One of the core beliefs instrumental in perfectionism is ‘I am not enough’. This statement permeates through all of one’s actions. A perfectionist with this core belief can find themselves constantly striving to please everyone, get the best grades and succeed at everything; meanwhile still feeling inadequate and empty. Achievement and attention that comes from negative core beliefs misses the mark for what we are really seeking.
Distorted Thinking Perpetuates Perfectionism
Cognitive Distortions are thinking errors that we all make that can lead to negative emotions. One type of cognitive distortion is catastrophizing, which is when we think of the worst possible outcome for a given situation. An example of catastrophizing is when I do badly on test and immediately go down the path of thinking that I will fail the class, get kicked out of school and eventually become homeless. A few distortions perfectionists use are mind reading (when I think I know how people feel about me especially negatively), all-or-nothing thinking (I either do something perfectly or I do not want to do it at all) and ‘should’ statements (where we tell ourselves that there is some God-chosen reason that we need to do everything on our to-do list).
When we are stuck in perfectionistic loops, we often are responding to cognitive distortions that lead to negative emotions such as shame, embarrassment and loneliness. We feel uncomfortable with the way things are, so we fight and fight to change our environment to make ourselves more comfortable. The problem is, we cannot control life.
Control is a Perfectionist’s Kryptonite
One of the most common strategies perfectionists use to deal with discomfort is control. Perfectionists either try to control themselves or their environment. I may try and control my environment by snapping at my partner that they need to pick up their socks or I may control myself by avoiding a project because I know I cannot do it to my standards. How do you use control as a strategy to avoid uncomfortable emotions? Do you procrastinate moving towards a dream of yours because you do not have certainty that you will achieve it? Do you create long lists of to-do lists to make sure that you achieve every tiny goal you have ever created and then shame yourself when you do not check off all the boxes? We all use control in different ways, so to understand how you might be avoiding sitting with discomfort, you would have to do some self-reflection. The unfortunate thing about constantly controlling our environment is that we never actually address the deeper issues under perfectionism.
Benefits of Imperfection
As the beloved Brene Brown states, “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we're all in this together.” Mistakes help us see our humanity and give us opportunities to learn something new. If we constantly avoid discomfort by
trying to change ourselves and those around us, we will miss the beauty of what already is. Perfectionism can manifest as a constant need for things to be different, coming from a deep discomfort with the way things are. Try practicing acceptance and surrender- finding the mindfulness in wherever you are and noticing the details. Being okay with imperfection can lead to more connection, presence and the ability to see your common humanity in all things. Imperfection can feel vulnerable, but it is within that vulnerable place that the seeds of true experience are birthed.
