Boundaries: Sensing My Edges
What is the first reaction you have in your body to the word boundaries? For many of us the word carries a dissonant tone, as if boundaries are something foul or sharp. Why do we have such a reaction to boundaries? It is often easy to set boundaries with strangers, coworkers or people we do not have a deep connection with, but for some reason setting boundaries with familiars can be such a complex challenge.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are like an invisible bubble that separates what is inside us from what is outside. The concept of boundaries can seem philosophical or hard to pin down. Ultimately boundaries are lines about what feels right or not for us. Whether we set boundaries in the outside world or not, we experience them internally. A boundary can be experienced internally as a tightness in the throat or belly. Sometimes we are very out of touch with our own boundaries if we are accustomed to people pleasing or come from a family with poor boundaries.
Our boundaries often come from our family of origin; we see our boundaries through the lens of the environment we were raised in. If our family had enmeshed boundaries (everyone is in everyone else’s business) or rigid boundaries (we do not talk about what is really happening) we will often move through life with those same boundaries. If there was abuse or neglect, we adjust our boundaries to accommodate this kind of treatment even later in life (often in ways we are not totally aware of because we are accustomed to it).
There are different kinds of boundaries. There are physical boundaries around whether or not you are open to touch, affection and closeness (this can also include sexual boundaries). There are mental or spiritual boundaries around what you think/believe and how others respond to those beliefs. Material boundaries refer to your needs around your finances, lending items to others and anything that relates to your material items.
Finally, there are emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries are the hardest to define because they are like an invisible line between yourself and another. Emotional boundaries help us know what we are and are not responsible for. Emotional boundaries help us separate our emotions from someone else’s and establish autonomy in caring for our own needs. Emotional boundaries are often the hardest to set because there can be guilt associated with setting emotional boundaries. It is easy to invalidate our own boundaries because there is no standard between all people of what boundaries are right/wrong and so often we feel responsible for the other’s reaction to the boundary. Some of us avoid setting emotional boundaries because we are afraid of the conflict it may cause. Whatever the reason, emotional boundaries are less clear and more complicated to draw.
Communicating Boundaries
Okay, okay we get what boundaries are, but how do we communicate them? Communicating boundaries depends upon the boundary one is trying to draw. It is important to remember that we are all entitled to our own boundaries, even if they are different than others’ boundaries. Often the most effective way to communicate a boundary is overtly, but with kindness. Expressing one’s feelings in ‘I feel’ statements with the underlying need or request is effective. If we have a request for a behavior to be different it is helpful to express the request in very specific terms. For example, if I have a friend who calls me after midnight on weeknights regularly and I am not okay with it, I might say, “Laura, when you call me after midnight it wakes me up and I feel frustrated/tired. Could you please only call me before midnight unless it is an emergency?”
If you are used to always saying yes and then feeling resentful or exhausted by being overloaded with plans and helping others, it can be helpful to give yourself time to respond to another’s request. When someone asks whether you can or want to do something, rather than immediately responding or avoiding simply say, “Let me think about it”. You can then give yourself time to decide what feels right on an inner, emotional and physical level for your response. This time allows you to listen to your deeper self about whether you really do or do not want to do what is being asked of you. It is important that we honor our own needs, because those are what keep us healthy in relationships.
Receiving Boundaries
Remember that boundaries do not only go one way. Expressing our boundaries to another is incredibly important to our own well-being, but it is also that important for others to communicate their boundaries. Having healthy boundaries is not only about being able to communicate our own needs; it is equally important to receive other’s boundaries.
When someone else asserts a boundary or communicates something that makes them uncomfortable, it is not a personal attack. Often when people tell us no, we feel personally attacked or rejected. When someone asserts their needs, respecting those needs is showing that you care for that person. When someone close to you asserts a boundary, it often shows that they value the relationship, because they are choosing to come into more authenticity by expressing the boundary. The more we practice receiving boundaries, the easier it becomes to do so.
Why Are Boundaries Good?
Setting a boundary is an affirmation of one’s own needs. The more we affirm our own needs and boundaries, the safer we can feel in our bodies and relationships. When there are boundaries that we are constantly holding in, we end up feeling clouded and suppressed by this undigested material. When we do not express our boundary to someone we love, we may end up feeling an inner distance from them. Once a boundary is expressed and respected, we are then free again to feel safe and close to another. Setting boundaries ironically can bring us closer together, because we show others how to love us most effectively.
The more you communicate and affirm your own boundaries, the more we are able to listen to ourselves and have a deeper relationship with ourselves. Setting boundaries can lead to more self-respect and fulfillment in our lives.
If you are tired of feeling pushed around or underappreciated, why not try taking charge of your experience by setting those long withheld boundaries? Stating your boundaries could move you from frustration to empowerment and from withdrawn to openness. Take a chance and try setting a small boundary with someone around you; see how it goes. If it goes well, maybe you will have the courage to set one more, then one more. Boundary setting takes practice and it gets easier with practice. We all deserve to feel honored in our space and in our lives.
