Code: Dependent
Do you get caught care-taking in your relationships?
Do you find yourself in relationships that feel one-sided?
Do you find yourself needing validation from those around you?
Compare yourself to others?
Does your life often revolve around others?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you may struggle with codependency. Many consider codependency to be something that only affects those who are in a relationship with an alcoholic or grew up with an alcoholic parent. However, codependency is more prevalent than many people understand, since most people do not really understand what codependence is.
Codependence is a way of relating to people in your life in a way that is unhealthy. In some ways, codependence is an addiction to people. It is a series of behaviors and choices that keep someone stuck in relationships where their needs are not being met. Often these individuals are labelled ‘fixers’; getting into relationships where they are hoping to change the one they are with. Codependents are chronically care-taking those around them and undermining their own needs in service of the needs of others. Naturally these patterns tend to breed resentment and eventually turn into emotionally lashing out or criticizing one’s partner (or close companions).
Codependents utilize control of others as a strategy for avoiding their own discomfort. Instead of sitting with my own feelings of pain in this moment, I am focused on getting the other person to change their behavior. Maybe you have thought, “If only they would do x, then everything would be so much better.” This is a typical thought of someone who struggles with codependency. In an effort to control others, we may not realize that we are actually the ones out of control. Codependents tend to react to every little thing that happens in their relationships with strong emotions; obsessing and worrying about all the minute details of their relationships. It is a bit like an overloaded train trying to chug it’s way uphill with too little gas. In the end, the codependent is the one who ends up being controlled by their relationship because they are not able to set healthy boundaries for themselves, and the others take advantage of this. The codependent is controlled by the other person because they need the relationship to feel okay.
What is really underneath this obsession with dysfunctional relationships? Often times, the apple does not fall far from the tree; many codependents come from dysfunctional family systems. This may be a home with physical/emotional abuse or alcoholism. Even beyond the more obvious dysfunctional family problems listed previously, it could simply be family systems with marital problems, divorce or invalidation from parents. Many functional, ‘normal’ individuals may appear to have it all together on the outside, but internally be struggling with certain embedded patterns from their family of origin. In childhood it may have looked like playing the role of entertainer, peacemaker, rebellious child, lost child (losing themselves in games and books) or some other role in order to balance out a dysfunctional family system. Unfortunately, these roles do not just go away overnight; we keep repeating them day after day, much like the movie Groundhogs Day. Often we are unaware of the blind spots from our upbringing and do not understand to the extent that those early relationships continue to influence how we engage in relationships throughout our whole lives.
When I came to understand codependency, it felt like a cosmic lightbulb turned on. There was a conglomeration of issues that I felt I still struggled with deeply even though I had spent so much time working on myself as a person and trying to grow into better versions of myself. I found that codependency was manifesting itself in many subtle ways in my life; getting overly involved in the dramas of my friends, emotionally reacting in intimate relationships and hanging on to relationships for longer than they were really serving me. During an art therapy exercise, I found myself drawing a picture of myself sitting cross-legged with images of all my close relationships and cords from myself towards them. In the picture I also included a pair of scissors as a representation of how much I want to cut those cords in order to feel free. I have found myself in many social situations where I am focused on the needs of others rather than deepening my own experience. Hosting a party is the nightmare of a codependent, because they find themselves running around like a headless chicken trying to serve everyone. Reading the book Codependent No More; How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie really woke me up to how I was engaging in the drama triangle in a lot of my relationships. The drama triangle involves a progression from rescuing someone else (who probably doesn’t need rescuing), to then persecuting them (potentially for not being appreciative), then moving into the victim role when they push back against the persecution. Sound familiar?
If any of what I’ve mentioned previously speaks to you, then you too may struggle with some codependent characteristics. If you do resonate, there may be a very large alarm bell sounding off in the distance or a deep inner stirring. That is what happened for me. Not to fear, there are ways to move into relating more healthily to yourself and those around you. A lot of recovery from codependency is about saying yes to your own needs. At any moment or in any situation it is totally okay to ask yourself, “What do I need?” Codependents suffer with guilt and shame often times and it is important to begin acknowledging and validating our own needs. You may not be able to get those needs met if you are in unhealthy relationships, and then it is safe to choose to leave those unhealthy relationships. You are worth it.
One of the most important ways to move away from codependency is to stop kowtowing to others and begin loving yourself. Often codependence comes from a deep lack of self-worth or self-esteem. Codependents think, “That person knows it all. They are smarter and understand things better than me.” Codependents assume that everyone around them ‘gets it’ more than themselves and that they hold the magic to life in their pocket. However, you can find ways to love yourself! One of the first steps is to stop criticizing yourself. Whenever you hear that critical voice that says you’re not good enough, challenge it by stating ways that you are. Take a moment each time you do something right to savor it and tell yourself, “Hey I am good at that”. When you’re feeling hard on yourself, remember these good things. You deserve the same compassion and understanding that you likely give to others in your life.
Some other notes on recovery revolve around learning how to communicate your boundaries clearly (and following through), communicating your needs clearly and not playing victim. Let’s start with the latter; not playing the victim. When you are always seeing others as the cause of your emotions or experience, you are giving away your power. Someone may be treating you badly and that is a hard thing to deal with, but ultimately we get to choose whether or not to keep people in our lives, and how we react to those in our lives. No one else is responsible for your emotions except for you. How are you making choices that are leading to your current emotions? One way to not play victim is to acknowledge your own needs without shaming them and to communicate them to others. Everyone deserves to have their needs met and to be happy, it is okay to communicate specifically about what those are. On the other hand, if others are taking actions that make you feel disrespected, undermined or abused, it is your prerogative to let them know. If they continue to cross the line, it is time for there to be a reminder or consequences for their actions. Just getting upset every time someone crosses a boundary is often not enough of a consequence for them to stop.
To wrap it up, codependency is unlike other addictions because unlike addictions to a substance or habit, relationships are necessary for life. Moving towards health for those who struggle with codependence often really means developing a deeper, more meaningful relationship with the self.
Reference
Beattie, M., & Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent No More ;How to Stop Controlling Others and
Start Caring for Yourself. New York, NY: MJF Books.
