Family of 1
There is a civilization of peoples in my head. They war, barter and make treaties at every turn in my path. Whether I am choosing to drink coffee over tea or what college to attend, these parts of me must negotiate what takes precedence. My parents are inside me yelling to do one thing while another part of me seeks rebellion. In every choice that I make, and most moments contain a choice of some kind, there are internal forces at play that often contradict each other.
I know that I am not alone in this conflict. Most of psychotherapy is based on this concept of the internal conflict. An internal conflict is when one feels ambivalence towards two opposing internal forces. This can be a very painful experience and can also evoke anxiety. These internal conflicts happen on small scales and then also on larger ones. Much of our lives are actually comprised of these internal conflicts where we desire one thing and yet feel that it is wrong to take action to get that thing. The way we navigate these conflicts is a defining feature of who we are in the world. There are many different ways to address the mixed feelings that come with an internal conflict. Some people go to therapy; others journal. Some opt out to choose what is societally acceptable and defer their internal choices to the Gods of the norm. There are some that choose to allow their parents or others in their lives to make decisions for them. Then there are those that choose to avoid the conflict by inundating themselves in vices. Whichever way we choose to handle these kinds of conflicts, it does not take away from their immense challenge.
Many therapeutic approaches have been developed to resolve these internal conflicts. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is one of these methods. IFS developed out of Systems Theory, which is a theory that conceptualizes an individual by the current social systems they are situated within. Richard Swartz, PhD. (creator of IFS therapy) observed that many of his clients exhibited different parts of themselves that are in conflict which resembled conflicts within a family system. This is where IFS gets its name, the self is referenced as a conglomeration of parts; an internal family. IFS divides the parts into protectors, exiles and Self. Protectors are those parts of ourselves that keep us from feeling extremely difficult emotions. A protector may be a part of me that gets angry and defensive when someone criticizes me in order to protect another part of myself that has immense shame for being flawed. That shameful part of me that the protector is guarding is called an exile, one of the parts that we relegate to the dungeons of our consciousness. Self in IFS is actually not considered a part, but rather a witnessing and compassionate aspect of ourselves that brings awareness to the other parts. The Self is compassionate and curious.
IFS approaches all the parts through the lens of Self. By first grounding into Self (often through a short meditation), IFS guides the individual to then communicate with the other parts, starting with the protectors. How does one get in touch with a protector? You can access a protector on your own by noticing your reactions to certain situations. When you notice that a part of you is activated by a negative response, you can get to know the protector by asking these questions:
What is the protector’s name?
What does the protector look like?
What role does the protector serve? What are they hoping to accomplish with that role?
What is the protector afraid will happen if they do not serve that role?
In IFS it is important to get to know a protector well before working with exiles. Protectors are often in place to guard us from an exile’s pain. After getting to know a protector, you will sometimes get permission from the protector to access the exile. The steps for processing an exile are to first witness the exile and whatever painful memories are associated with the exile, then re-parenting the exile from the perspective of Self. After witnessing and re-parenting, there is a retrieval process which involves visualizing taking the exile out of the painful memory it is caught in and bringing it to a safer space; where it can then release the emotional burden it has carried.
When I stumbled into IFS, I was very excited because it aligned with how I converse with my inner self. A while ago I was given a task by a mentor to write my own personal mythology. After doing so, I began imagining and creating characters within myself that I wanted to represent parts of my personality. Some of these characters represent darker parts of me, such as my shadow character that is a racy black demon with talons. On the other hand, there is my innocent and emotional small-child-self, who is sitting on a screened in porch eating bon-bons. Whenever I start to notice a part becoming activated, I give attention to that part and ask it, “What do you need?” Sometimes in meditations, I like to do a scan of all the parts and see how the ‘family’ is doing by acknowledging each part and seeing who needs a little extra attention. If my wild woman in the cave is growling at me, I throw her a bone by finding some free time in the next few days to dance or be creative. Another way that I converse with these parts is by spending time either writing or with my imagination to develop an idea of the details of that part; where they are, what they like to do, what they think of themselves, etc. This is the beginning of developing relationships with your parts as well as opening a space for dialogue.
By allowing ourselves to be a constellation of parts we make more space for the complexity of who we are. Through our early life conditioning as well as life experiences, we develop many parts of ourselves. Instead of seeing these parts of ourselves as conflictual or bad, we can begin to make friends with and see the value of each part. Either through utilizing IFS or some other less structured format for conversing with our parts, we can begin to find more harmony among the internal family. How do you want to communicate with your parts? Who are they? What purpose do they serve? You can utilize knowledge of your parts to understand yourself and to deepen your internal landscape. If you have some time over the next few days, maybe consider writing for a little while or drawing out your parts as a method of self-care; you may be surprised what you discover.
